As many know in June it will be 8 years post injury for yours truly and as much progress that has been made one thing I haven't delt with is the site of my gear that was cut off me that very day. Sure it's only riding gear and a helmet, but the last time I wore that I was paralzed and my life forever being changed.
The box containing said gear had been repacked into a box I was unfamilar with so I didn't know what was in the box before hand. Coincidently as mom brought these boxes over to my place I had become increasingly anxious, stressed out, and just not feeling right. Brushing it off as just a busy week, I went about my daily routine for the next few days. Come saturday night I had a chance to open these boxes to finally see what was in them. I pulled off the lid and BAM!! Staring me right in the face was the jersey the paramedics had cut off me and my helmet from the day of my accident. I quickly covered them up and put the lid back on and sat down not really believing what I had just seen. After a few minutes had passed I opened the box again and tried to pull the jersey and helmet out...only to manage just the jersey before the rush of emotions overtook me and put me on my knees, tears and all.
After a few minutes I put the jersey back in the box, put the lid on, and sat down again unsure of what to do next. Sitting there silently listening to the clock on the wall go tick, tock, tick. tock, I finally talked myself into it, I opened the box again pulled out the jersey and helmet and sat them on the floor in front of me. Now I have no choice but to confront my emotions and manage them accordingly. This day could not wait any longer...I need this to get past this day I had been prolonging...this day 8 years in the making!
Reliving the day of my accident had been somewhat easy up until saturday. I have been surrounded by so many wonderful people, friends, family, and enough projects to keep me occupied and distracted from such a day. However here I sit on a saturday night by myself, with the very gear that was cut off to save my life. No where to go, and no where I wanted to go. I can face my fears, I can do this I told myself. You've already done this once and beat the odds with paralysis, what's a jersey and a helmet got that you can't handle!? Apparently quite a lot, as it felt like Mike Tyson had hit me without warning...without remorse!
The smell of the jersey is the same as I remember (sweat, dirt, gas, and oil)...it still has the dirt stains on it from that day...the helmet with the cracked visor on the right side (the side I landed on) is still bent up and dirt packed from that day. As I was trying to peace together the cut up jersey with my mind blazing at a 100 mph, I was reliving the days before my accident...the accident...the days after...the future...everything in my 38 years on this planet...all at once!!!
And I CRACKED!!!!! It felt like my head was split open and shit went everywhere!!! Strong and steady as I thought I was...invincible to even the smallest emotion, I sat and cried for a long, long time, hating every minute of it! Seconds felt like hours and minutes felt like days, I thought I was losing my grip on reality!! In fact I was sure of it! Holy shit make the pain stop!, I said out loud. And just when I thought I couldn't take anymore it all went away. Kind of like someone had pulled a firery blanket off me, saving me again. I felt different, like someone was there. But no one was there that I could see. Was this the time my guardian angel decided to show up? Kind of late don't ya think? Or was this the time I was able to finally listen?
As the tears slowed down I realized that I was starting to heal wounds that needed to be healed, I started to let go, I started to feel better and relax knowing everything was going to be alright. (BIG SIGH!) All that pain and agony was gone and the day I had been prolonging was the very day I had been needing.
Looking back at saturday night and the few days before it, the amount of energy (presence) that box had/has is mind blowing, and it's also crazy to think that our bodies react to events in our life even before our brains have a chance to register or visually see such items. How can something hold so much energy that it draws on our subconscious and makes us ill?
The box sits in my living room with the lid off waiting for my next move. Which I don't know what that is. I guess that will come in time too.
Jay
